Today, on McSweeneys:

EXCERPTS FROM
THE COLLECTED
ANSWERING-MACHINE
MESSAGES OF LYRICIST
TIM RICE.

I know that technically you're dead to me, but just for old times' sake I wanted to let you in on what I'm certain will be the most successful show that any human being has ever conceived—though, actually, I'm not really a human being: I'm made out of star stuff and the moon and am also God. So.
(In the background, there's the sound of a gunshot, followed by what sound like the screams of Mandy Patinkin.)

It has also helped me decide what I want to get the wife as an anniversary present.